Thursday, May 28, 2015

Day -6

Here we go again: bone marrow transplant take three! Third time is a charm, right? Today was spectacularly surreal. It was a combination of the transplant I experienced just two years ago, and a huge time warp back to the one I had when I was 17. The worst part is always the drive away from the house, knowing you might not see it ever again, knowing that you want more than anything else to just be home with the people and the things that you love and not dealing with this crap. The second worst part is walking through the door into the room you will spend many days of your life trapped in, something I did not have to endure on the last go around.  It is always silly to me because I realize that the transplant has to start at some point, it has to be hard and protocols eventually have to be followed, but medical personnel seem to feel that the moment a patient crosses that threshold into "the room," that patient could at any moment die if he or she were to step back out without being wrapped up and wearing a mask.

I experienced this today when my aide came to get me for weight and height measurements and escorted me to the different stations without having me put on a mask and a gown. I had just walked through the entire hospital, had not had a drop of chemotherapy, and could leave that very moment without a thing happening, but because I had stepped through that stupid door, the charge nurse (who was holding the door and motioning me out to follow the aide, I might add) felt it was pertinent to rake me over the coals about never leaving my room without that mask, gown, and (the new addition) gloves. I calmly and happily informed her I had not even been given a mask yet, to which she replied, "Well, I will fix that right now," and pompously walked off to find that blessed mask for me.  I swear, people who do and say such stupid things make rational people like myself want to do equally stupid things. Lick the wall. Run through the halls of the sickbay.  Encourage someone to cough on me. I don't know. Something that might actually be worth her tirade about the necessity of the stupid mask getup. By the way, I detest masks.

Anyhow, the rest of the day wasn't so bad. I lost it a little when Colten and Aurora had to go home, but I composed myself pretty quickly. A week is not so bad, and they will be visiting again before then, too. Nothing hurts quite like sitting in a room you can't leave and watching your world freely walk out the door, though. But the nurses are mostly nice, and the recliner isn't too shabby.  I am about to try out the bed, and hoping for some good rest tonight. Until tomorrow...


  1. Love your honesty, your writing style (heartfelt with a healthy dose of sarcasm), your observations and thoughts, but mostly, I just love you! Praying for you constantly!

  2. Ditto what Becky said! Your writing style is terrific - and I'll urge you once again to start writing your book! Nicholas Sparks wrote a similar story, but not in the first person - yours could be so much richer, and of course, with a much happier ending! I see yours covering clear up thru Rora getting her college degree and marriage license! Might be a good place to start, then the rest as flashback - Anyway, with the world hurting so much, and the Big C hitting so many families, maybe God needs you to go thru this so you can be a big help and encouragement to the rest of us! I know - I can almost hear you say, "But why couldn't you choose someone else, God?" And God says back to you, "If you're going to go thru this anyway, why waste such writing talent? Might as well use it to do some good in the world!!"

    1. I am dabbling with it, Grandma. Can't quite decide how to write it and what to focus on. I have a lot of rough drafts but nothing I am happy with yet.

    2. I loved this blog post. I can just picture you licking the wall in a fit of rebellion!

      As far as writing a book, just start by continuing to journal your thoughts and emotions. You need to capture them when they're still raw. You can go back later to edit, organize and link everything together.

    3. That's basically what I am doing, but it drives me nuts to not have a direction, especially since I've been toying with it for years. :-(