Day +3

I'm still here. I haven't felt like it the past couple of days, but I am still here. I didn't quite end up on the "I feel like I am dying" side of things, but I definitely fell into the "wow, I am really sick" category. The past two days have been something of a blur for me. They seemed to go agonizingly slow, but now that they are gone it seems like they passed quickly. Day +1 I started out believing I was going to beat the odds and not get the "haplo storm." Colten and I walked, I did my physical therapy, ate a hearty breakfast; I really felt like I had a new lease on life. I had my Katie again and she rooted me on the whole day. But in the late afternoon, the storm hit. At first it wasn't so bad, but as my temperature climbed and the "rigors" (intense shaking) set in, I thought, "wow, I am really sick." The night was long, full of blood cultures and around the clock Tylenol and vitals. But it was over.

Day +2 was a different story. I had the first bad nurse I have ever had on the floor (of course on the day that I am sick) and she took anywhere from 35 minutes to an hour to respond when we called for Tylenol or nausea medication. I could hardly eat. It took every bit of my will power to choke down food and keep it there. I did not walk. The rigors were terrible. My muscles ached from being locked for so long. Honestly, even though it was just yesterday, it is already mostly a blur. My mind tends to do that. Whenever I have really bad times, it just nicely softens the edges for me so that I can't remember much. I do remember my nurse taking so long to get me Tylenol that my rigors were out of control, so they gave me something called Demerol that is a pain and anti-anxiety medication. It was wonderful. I remember seeing my sweet girl's face full of worry, telling me that she loved me and giving me a kiss on the cheek. And I remember hearing the nurse say that my temperature was too high in the middle of the night and that I would need ice packs, to which Colten pleaded that they just have me take my blankets off and see if that helped. I didn't sleep. I just froze and tried to push my mind through to today.

And today came. And the chemo did work like magic. I got out of bed barely able to stand and ready to throw up at the thought of food, but Tina was my nurse and she got things moving quicker than scheduled. She promised me instant results, and she delivered. Colten stayed until he saw the chemo going in, and then went back home to start packing our things to move this weekend. Jen and Rora came to hang out for an hour or so before my parents got here, and I was able to talk to them and enjoy every bit of their company. My parents stayed the whole day and, though I was tired from last night, I felt mostly like I did the first few nights I was here before the transplant. I did start spiking a fever in the late afternoon, but it has been nothing compared to the last couple nights. The nurses told me that mild fevers typically continue after the first round of chemo, but after the second one tomorrow it is just a matter of waiting for my blood counts to come up and I am out of here!

So I made it. It was quite a storm, but I made it. I hate who I am when I am really sick. I like to be kind to people, to talk to people, and when I am sick I just feel grumpy. I try not to be, but I know I am not who I normally am (my hubby might disagree, he takes the brunt of my grumpiness a lot more than most, but I do try to be kind most of the time!). I am happier today being back to myself, laughing with my nurse and enjoying being alive. In my mind, the past two days may as well have never happened. I weathered the storm, it is sunny skies from here. And my hubby is outstanding. I don't know what I would have done without him advocating for me, getting me warm blankets, sitting with me, stroking my hair, anything he could do to help. I have had so many nurses comment on how amazing he is, and how so few patients have the support system that I have with all the family that has come down and Colten staying here so often. I am blessed.

My mom's cells did their job. They waged a war and hopefully already started kicking my cancer to the curb. Now it is time to halt the battle a bit. I am hooked up to round the clock fluids and medicines to protect all my organs from the chemo (it's pretty toxic, I guess). I've never had so many pumps on one pole. It's pretty cool, if you don't have to lug it around. ;-) But after tomorrow night I am pole free (mostly) and fever free. And I am here, which is really all that matters. "Life is not about avoiding the storm, it's about dancing in the rain."