Day +9

Jen left tonight. That's really all I can think about, it kind of overshadowed the rest of the day. I feel like I hardly got to see her at all, I don't know what we would have done without her help with Rora, and I already miss her. I am still not used to her not being around, even though it has been almost a year. She fit right back in without a second's hesitation. I guess years of living just a few minutes away from each other is hard to erase. And we are both moving on, her a lot further albeit, but we are leaving Pocatello, too. And that also makes me sad, and excited. Part of me really wants to go back to our crummy little trailer and live out my days half an hour away from Jen out in Pingree (a.k.a Middle-of-Nowhere), and part of me wants to spread my wings and fly on to bigger and better things. With Jen half an hour away. And Jess, too. I'd actually be ok living on the same block as my sisters. Yep. Definitely ok with that. Three houses in a row? I'll take it. Unfortunately, that's just really not the world we live in anymore, and I hate it.

So. Day +9. I got a platelet transfusion today, and my red blood counts were way up from yesterday, so I felt pretty awesome all day. Just waiting for my counts to kick in themselves and stop depending on all the pick-me-ups. I flew my helicopter from my dad today. It was really fun, but it is a good thing it is obviously built for impact. :-) I also gave my P.A. a piece of my mind today, which was thrilling and terrifying. I really hate confrontation, and will typically grin and bear it before I complain, but I've had it with him and a few of the nurses, and I told him as much. He treated me much better afterward, but I feel like the nurses are probably talking about "that patient" now behind my back. Oh well. I have a chronic need to be liked by others that it is both childish and illogical, and I might as well start overcoming it now because there's not much else I can do with my time.

I definitely feel listless tonight. I can't think of anything immediate I am really looking forward to (other than getting out of here, whenever that may be) and I am wallowing in and out of sadness depending on how long I go without thinking of my sisters and how much I miss them both. So, as usual, God sent me an angel. My night nurse tonight is a "this is my job and nothing else" nurse. She is in and out of the room and does not engage in any type of conversation. Honestly, that suited me just fine tonight as I sat in my misery. And then one of the other night nurses, Meg, happened to come in to give me a medication because my nurse was busy. I really like Meg. She saw my red-rimmed eyes (I had just finished a private session of "ugly crying"), really looked at me, and asked what was wrong. I burst into tears explaining that my sister was flying back to New York and that I was just very emotional. Then, she gave me a hug. The long hugs that let you know someone really cares about you. That remind you there is always goodness in the world. That infuse you with strength because of their bone-reaching warmth. And I felt better.

She sat with me for a bit and noticed I was reading the book from my aunt. She asked what it was and I told her it was a collection of quotes, poetry, just encouraging and inspiring words, really. I was reading through it hoping for comfort, but had yet to find a quote that eased my soul. She asked if I liked poetry, I responded that I did, and she whisked out of my room. She came back and handed me a sheet of paper with a handwritten poem on it. She didn't stay to watch me read it, just told me that all of this poet's work was amazing, and she wanted me to have this poem. So I read it. And I felt my soul ease. And I am once again thankful for a Father who has such tender mercies, and cares for even one lost soul such as mine.

"Promise me
you will not spend
so much time
treading water
and trying to keep your
head above the waves
that you forget,
truly forget,
how much you have always
loved
to swim."

- Tyler Knott Gregson

And, I did find a quote in my book that also tickled my fancy, and one that I know Jen will also appreciate:

"Whenever I find myself in the cellar of affliction, I always look about for the wine."

- Samuel Rutherford

Here's to tomorrow, and a new morning's light to wash away the night's sadness. Safe travels my dear sister. Maybe tomorrow will be the day.